We live in the noisiest era in human history, and yet one of our most important human skills is quietly disappearing: the art of listening.
Listening is now firmly established as a leadership essential, a must-have ‘soft skill’. It appears in values statements, engagement surveys, CVs and competency frameworks. Leaders are encouraged to listen more, seek feedback and create space for voices. And yet, beneath the language, a more uncomfortable
question remains: Are we really listening?
Most of us believe we are good listeners. We may stay quiet while others speak. We nod, make eye contact, offer reassurance. But internally, something else is often happening. We are forming opinions, making assumptions, preparing responses, or moving quickly towards solutions. Or perhaps thinking about something else entirely.
It’s not just a workplace issue. Many of us have asked a loved one, “How was your day?” while already preparing to talk about our own, only then to be asked “Are you listening to me?” We may be hearing the words, but our presence is elsewhere. Now consider what it feels like to be on the receiving end.
Think of a time when someone interrupted you, spoke over you, finished your sentence or quickly told you what you should do. Did you feel valued? Heard? Supported?
In coaching conversations, people often describe this experience as ‘pushing water up a hill’. When it happens repeatedly, they rarely speak louder; instead, they become quieter. They stop caring as much. Research in 2025 shows that 75% of employees who felt unheard were less engaged and effective in their work, with clear business consequences.
This disengagement is a simple human safety response. Feeling ignored or dismissed does not invite contribution. Over time, people stop trying. In organisations, the quietest voices are often not those with the least to say, but those who have learned that speaking up is not worth the effort.
Now imagine a colleague knocking on your door asking, “Have you got a minute?” You’re under pressure, working to a deadline, already stretched. Before they speak, your thoughts may jump to I don’t have time for this.
Imagine that colleague is there to hand in their notice. A distracted response, swift acceptance, or quick return to your screen may close the conversation immediately. They leave feeling unheard.
What you may never discover is that they didn’t want to leave. They wanted development, challenge, progression, or simply a conversation about their future. Instead, you’re dealing with recruitment, training and lost momentum – all rooted in a moment where not listening closed a door rather than opened one.
Now imagine your first thought when they knocked the door was I hope everything’s okay. Your instinct is to fix, to help. Michael Bungay Stanier describes this as our Advice Monster – the part of us that leaps into action the moment someone appears to have a problem. The urge is understandable. It makes us feel useful. But it also shifts attention away from the person in front of us.
Coaching brings something distinct here. It develops the discipline of listening: managing reactions, suspending assumptions, and listening beyond words, including what is left unsaid. People are not rushed towards solutions. They are given space to think, reflect and feel understood. Often, clarity emerges not from advice, but from being deeply heard.
The good news is that listening can be practised. It begins with small shifts: choosing curiosity over certainty; asking questions instead of offering solutions; allowing silence to do some of the work. I’ve always liked that silent contains the same letters as listen. Or simply asking “Tell me more” is enough.
In our world that is louder, faster and more distracted than ever, listening is not a soft skill. It is a critical one. Because the quality of our listening shapes the quality of our conversations, our relationships, our leadership and our culture.
And perhaps the most useful question for any leader is not, “Am I listening?” but, “What is it like to be listened to by me?” You can book Claire’s upcoming “Core Coaching Skills for Managers and Leaders” Workshops or contact Claire at www.clairekelly.ie or at hello@clarekelly.ie.
